10+ Phrases to Avoid Saying to Learners with Executive Functioning Challenges

Kids and teens who struggle with executive functioning challenges go through a lot every day. From trying to focus in class, remembering to turn homework in, and working through daily challenges that pop up, it can be stressful. Executive functioning challenges are real.

What are executive functioning challenges?

Executive functioning skills are the life skills we use every day to accomplish daily tasks. They include planning, organization, time management, task initiation, self-control, working memory, flexibility, and perseverance.

When you think about it, these skills are ingrained in everything we do. For example, when you need to clean or tidy a room, you use a variety of skills all at once. You need organization skills to help you figure out where things go, time management skills to work most efficiently, self-control to help you stay with it when you want to watch television instead, and task initiation skills to get started in the first place.

Humans aren’t pre-programmed with these skills. Some children learn them at home, with peers, during real life situations, and at school. While many kids and teens walk into the classroom with these skills intact, it’s safe to say that many still do not.

Kids and teens with executive functioning challenges are going to struggle with a variety of tasks. As individuals, we each have our own unique profile of executive functioning strengths and weaknesses, so this may look different for different kids.

You might see a student who loses homework assignments or never remembers to bring the right binder to class (planning and organization). This might be a child who continually calls out in class and acts in impulsive ways (self-control). You might see this in a learner who gives up too quickly on assignments because they are “too challenging” for that student (perseverance). Perhaps it is a teen who spends the entire working period on one math problem instead of being able to move on and work on other questions instead (flexibility and time management).

Can executive functioning skills be strengthened?

In a one-word answer: yes. Executive functioning skills can be strengthened and improved over time. Just like improving math or reading skills, learners can also strengthen their abilities to plan, stay organized, and use self-control in challenging situations.

Most importantly, adults (both parents and teachers) do not have to be experts in executive functioning skills to help kids and teens make improvements. There are many different ways to teach executive functioning skills to students, from board games to discussions.

If you need something to help young adults learn these skills right away, I’ve put together an entire yearlong executive functioning set filled with printable and digital activities.

How do our words impact kids with EF challenges?

As adults, we play a huge role in supporting learners through these challenges. And one thing is for sure – our words can be powerful.

Below, I highlight some phrases to try and avoid saying to kids and teens with executive functioning issues. Just an important note that many of these things I’ve said (some many times). This is in no way meant to shame or embarrass anyone who has said them. Instead, I share this as an educational and supportive post meant to help us all grow and learn along the way.

Additionally, this isn’t just a way to “sugarcoat” what we want to say. It’s really about working with kids and teens in the best way. If we can make small changes in what we say to help kids feel more confident, strong, and empowered, it makes sense to give it a go.

And of course, while the intent is focused on learners who struggle with EF needs, it should go without saying that many of these strategies could be applied to all kids and teens.

10+ Phrases to Avoid (and what to say instead):

#1 “This is easy.”

I am guilty of using this phrase in the past. It sounds like it should be encouraging, but actually can have the opposite effect. Just because something is easy for one person, doesn’t mean it is easy for another. And if a student is struggling with something that should be easy, it could be a big blow to their confidence. 

What to do or say instead:

• Teach positive affirmations to help kids and teens develop a positive inner voice. (example: “You’ve got this.”)
• “On a scale of 0-10, how easy or difficult is this for you?”
• “Let’s get started and see how you do.”
• “How are you feeling about this so far?”
• “Do you want me to show you some strategies that can help you through this?”
• “You can do this with hard work.”

#2 “Hurry up.”

Kids and teens with executive functioning challenges are more likely to take longer on tasks. This can be due to slower working memory, weak attention skills, or difficulty with task initiation. While it’s normal to want to move along quicker, telling a child or young adult to hurry up actually can have the opposite effect. It can create feelings of shame, worry, and anxiety. It’s clear that doesn’t solve the problem and often only makes it worse. Instead, let’s remind kids and teens to go at the pace that’s right for them.

What to do or say instead:

• Remember to have empathy and give patience first and foremost.
• Give wait time.
• “Think about it and I’ll come back to you in a few minutes.”
• Give a heads up before calling on a student in class.
• Make a checklist for tasks together to serve as a written and visual reminder. This can help build independence.
• “Go at the pace that’s right for you.”
• Teach time management skills.
• “Let’s take a time check. Think about where you are and what you need to finish.”

#3 “I already told you.”

Imagine this situation: A child finally figures out that they need to get started on an assignment but realizes they have no idea what to do. When they go and ask for help, they are told, “I already told you.” This is a huge motivation and confidence killer. There are several reasons why the student might not have understood or heard the instructions the first time around. The goal is always to help kids and teens learn the skills and become independent. So, when a learner comes around asking for help, it’s important to give them that support instead of turning them away.

What to do or say instead:

• “What could you use help with?”
• “Where could you find that information?”
• “Do you need a refresher? That’s okay! We all need that sometimes. I can explain.”
• “What questions do you have?”
• Incorporate visuals and written reminders to help promote independence.
• Provide interventions for attention skills.

#4 “I’ll just do it.”

Learned helplessness is a real threat for kids and teens with executive functioning challenges. This is what happens when they learn they just can’t do thing on their own. Eventually, they figure out it’s easier if someone else just does it all for them, stripping them of their independence. Even though it’s often more challenging and time consuming for kids and teens to complete tasks on their own, it’s critical they go through the process.

What to do or say instead:

• Give prompts and encouragement, but let the child do it independently.
• “What do you think you should do next?”
• On most challenging tasks, take turns with the student. For example, the adult can write one sentence and the student writes the next. This provides support, while still setting the expectation that the child is also doing the work on their own.

#5 “You’re lazy.”

Kids believe what is said about them. By labeling a child or teen as lazy, it can be incredibly dangerous in the long-term. And while it’s pretty obvious that this is a phrase no adult should ever say directly to a child, I think it’s worth stating that it’s not something that should ever be said about a kid, either.

What to do or say instead:

• Teach strategies for task initiation.
• Consider incentives to help motivate the child or teen.

#6 “You should already know how to do this.”

As educators, we’ve all thought this one. We teach a skill or expectation and have the belief that every child should know how to move forward on their own. In reality, that’s not always the case. If a child or teen doesn’t complete a direction or task, there is a reason why. Consider where the breakdown is and go from there.

What to do or say instead:

• “What do you think you should do?”
• “Where could you find the directions for this assignment?”
• “Who could you ask if you are stuck?”
• “What strategies can you use if you are stuck?”
• Stop and consider what skills that student might need to be taught. If they are lacking a skill, teach it explicitly before moving on.

#7 “Calm down.”

Telling an agitated person to calm down doesn’t actually help anyone calm down. Working through executive functioning challenges can absolutely be stressful and difficult day after day. And it’s okay if kids feel frustrated sometimes. Instead of “calm down,” try teaching and practicing some coping strategies together.

What to do or say instead:

• Teach and practice coping strategies together. Use this free coping strategies activity to help students develop their own coping strategies list.
• Practice mindful breathing exercises.
• “Let’s take a walk together.”
• “Let’s take some deep breaths together.”
• “I can tell you are frustrated. It’s okay to feel that way.”
• “What would help you right now?”
• Create a calm down area to support self-regulation.
• Create a coping strategies binder for the student to use when needed.

#8 “Act your age.”

The idea of acting your age is an interesting area for discussion when it comes to executive functioning skills. Some researchers, such as Dr. Russell Barkley, have indicated that learners with EF weaknesses (specifically learners with ADHD) actually behave younger than they would without those challenges. Quite often, this statement is really intended to help kids and teens make better choices. Here are some strategies to get there.

What to do or say instead:

• “What are the expectations you should be following?”
• “What should you be doing right now?”
• “I know you can make a better choice. I believe in you.”
• “Let’s reflect. What did you do well? What could you do better for next time?”

#9 “You need to redo this. You did it wrong.”

Kids and teens mess up sometimes (we all do, right?). So, there is nothing wrong with having them redo assignments or tasks when they aren’t right. In fact, it’s often important. What’s critical is the way that we, as adults, approach this. Simply telling a child they did something wrong often invites shame and discouragement. When we want kids to improve, it’s important to build them up and help them understand what they can do better.

What to do or say instead:

• Use rubrics or checklists and have students assess themselves first.
• “Let’s reflect together. What did you do well? What could you use help on or improve?”
• “Before turning that in, I’d like to to re-read the directions and make one improvement.”
• Use the sandwich technique (give positive feedback, then criticism, and then more positive). Ex: “You really did a great job on your introduction here. I like how you explained your argument clearly. I noticed on your next paragraph, you could add some extra details to support that claim in a stronger way. You made a HUGE improvement from the last paper, so I’m so excited to see the final product. Keep it going!”

#10 “Sit still.”

Many kids and teens with executive functioning challenges have difficulty sitting still for extended periods of time. If a student seems like they need to move, it’s usually because they do in fact need to move. Further, many times these students often learn better moving than sitting still.

What to do or say instead:

• Give movement breaks.
• Incorporate brain breaks between tasks.
• Allow students to stand while working.
• Consider flexible seating.
• “Could you answer up at the board for me?”
• Practice mindfulness.
• “Let’s take a movement break before getting back to work.”
• “Go ahead and stand while you work if that’s best for you.”

#11 “I like the way _____ is acting.”

This is one of the phrases many of us educators learned in college. It is supposed to be a classroom management strategy. Instead, it teaches kids and teens to always compare themselves to others. While the intent is good, the impact can be a negative one for learners.

What to do or say instead:

• Instead of comparing, just be explicit with expectations.
• Meet privately with the student if they are not meeting expectations.

#12 “You should have brought that with you.”

Kids and teens with executive functioning challenges are more likely to forget things. Usually, they know this. They don’t want to forget things; they just struggle with planning and organization.

What to do or say instead:

• Incorporate interventions for organization.
• Come up with strategies with the student to help them remember the materials they need. For example, come up with a list to keep on their binders or in their lockers. You can even post reminders at the front door before kids walk in.
• Set up a classroom office with supplies for students who need them.
• “Here, I’ve got this one you can borrow.”
• “Is there a classmate you can share with today?”

#13 “Quit doodling.”

Sometimes, when we see someone doodling, we assume that means they are not listening. It’s important to adjust that mindset. For some learners, doodling is a way to keep their hands busy while they are taking in information. Rather than asking kids to stop doodling, give a simple check-in to assess for understanding.

What to do or say instead:

• “Can you draw a picture about what you’ve learned so far?”
• “Tell me your three biggest takeaways from the lesson?”
• “What are your thoughts on that?”

#14 “You’re late.”

Kids and teens with EF challenges struggle with getting to class on time. Perhaps they lost track of time (time management) or started down the hall with the wrong binder (organization). Regardless of the reason, they usually know they are late. This statement can start the tone off in a negative way.

What to do or say instead:

• “I’m happy to see you.”
• Develop strategies and supports to help assist with getting to class on time, like checklists and a schedule.

#15 “You’re on your own.”

While it’s true that we want all learners to be independent, they also need to know we’re here to help them along when things get tough. Kids and teens with executive functioning challenges are notorious for giving up prematurely because tasks feel too difficult for them (perseverance). Instead of telling them they are on their own, remind them they can do it in the first place.

What to do or say instead:

• “You can do this. I believe you.”
• “I want you to try on your own first, but I’m here if you need me.”
• Teach and practice perseverance.
• Teach and practice positive affirmations.

When working with any kids or teens, our words mean a lot. If you take just one thing away from this post, I hope that it is that you can absolutely help kids and teens improve their executive functioning skills. Sometimes, that might be big things like teaching skills directly. Other times, it might just be considering the very things we say.