Being able to de-escalate and defuse situations with kids and young adults is an extremely helpful skill. Kids and young adults who become emotionally overwhelmed or irritated in a situation may begin to express their emotions in challenging ways. Some examples of these behaviors might include aggressive posturing, yelling, throwing items, swearing, and refusing to follow directions. Quite often, without training, these situations become a power struggle between the young adult and the teacher. These power struggles only make the situation worse, though.
The best way to handle these types of behaviors is to de-escalate the situation as soon as possible. It’s very important to recognize that this does not mean letting the student get away with the behavior. Instead, de-escalation focuses on helping the student return their emotions back to a normal level. It is critical that the student is calm for a period of time before behavior and expectations are discussed again.
Kids and young adults with oppositional defiant disorder (ODD), attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), anxiety, and trauma are just some examples of those who need these strategies utilized to be successful.
If you need further training and support in this area, consider the De-Escalation Strategies Guide that includes extensive training materials, information on Oppositional Defiant Disorder, proactive strategies, reference lists, and a quick-guide to store in a spot for use on the fly.
Also, remember to download the free printable list of over 50 de-escalation strategies. They are ideal to keep on a board by your desk, in the team room, or in a binder to bring to student support meetings. Let me add that they are not only for teachers. Parents, counselors, and administrators could use them, too!
Here are over 50 strategies and phrases you can use when de-escalating a situation:
- Act calm even if you’re not.
- Say, “Let’s talk about this later”.
- Use humor to lighten to mood.
- Lower your voice.
- Give a choice.
- Walk away.
- Ask, “What would help you right now?”
- Change the subject to a positive one.
- Give personal space.
- Say, “I see where you are coming from.”
- Distract with a positive photo of something they like.
- Show that you are listening.
- Remove the audience.
- Say, “I want to help you.”
- Talk about something they like.
- Make a joke.
- Encourage the person.
- Remind them of something amazing they did.
- Say, “You can do this.”
- Call another adult for help.
- Say, “Let’s call… I think they can help.”
- Be willing to find a solution.
- Offer to change the way you are doing something.
- Re-state what the person is saying.
- Validate their thoughts.
- Avoid over-reacting.
- Use active listening.
- Offer a solution.
- Let the person talk without interrupting.
- Say, “I see your point.”
- Offer to take a walk with the person.
- Clarify expectations.
- Remind them of something they love.
- Apologize for something you did wrong or the way it was taken.
- Invite them to do a preferred activity.
- Ask if they can explain more about how they’re feeling.
- Try to understand the person’s perspective.
- Slow yourself down to avoid getting worked up.
- Say, “So, you’re upset because… right?”
- Don’t say “calm down”.
- Show empathy.
- Encourage the person to use a coping strategy.
- Don’t take items or personal property away from them.
- Encourage the person to take a walk or get a drink.
- Give the person an “out” (i.e. letting them go to another room or walking away).
- Ask, “Would it help if… ?”
- Keep escape routes open to the door.
- Coach the person with positive remarks.
- Acknowledge where you agree with the person.
- Remind the person, “You’re not in trouble”.
- Tell the person, “I’m here for you.”
- Say, “Talk to me,” and listen.
- Tell the person to take a minute to themselves.
- Ignore the behavior if it’s minor.
- Distract by saying, “Hey, let’s go…”
- Be respectful in your tone.
- “Do what works” in the moment.
- Spend time debriefing after the incident to identify ways to improve.
- Ask them to draw a picture of what happened.
- Avoid needing to get the last word.
- Just give wait time.
If you love this topic, read my post on 13 ways to avoid power struggles with kids and young adults!
I feel my best is No. 3.
I need work on No. 1 and No. 4.
I love using humor also, but it’s really only when you have a strong relationship with that person already. It works really well, when you do! As for number 1 (staying calm), I do think it’s one of the hardest but most important skills here. That’s really why I listed it at number one. Kids and young adults can totally tell when you are calm and when you’re not, and they feed off our energy.
I think I’m best at # 38 – Use humor to lighten the mood ..
I need to improve on # 38 – Slow myself down and avoid getting worked up . Although I could have picked several to work on depending on the day or the behavior going on in the classroom.
#3 for Humor not 38
I LOVE that you’re being reflective. It takes a lot for an educator or parent to step up and do that. We can learn a lot about how to move forward just by stopping and thinking what we can improve. I think it’s healthy for adults to take space or take a break, too, if we notice we are getting worked up! Happens to everyone, especially when working with youth!
Every student and every situation are different. I try to do what is right for that situation. Most of the time
I stay calm and do not react to the situation for a couple of minutes.
I probably need work on # 29 not interrupting students when they are trying to explain their side of a story especially when I know it is not the truth. However, if I did not see the event I am more prone to let them speak without interrupting.
I totally agree with what you’re saying. Every situation and student need to be assessed and taken into consideration. I think it’s helpful to have a toolbox of ideas because it’s easy to have clouded judgement when a child of young adult is acting out of control. I love to hear that you and others are just being reflective from this list. That’s one of the best takeaways!
This is a much needed topic of discussion. More de-escalating will create stronger environments of learning? How? Leanrning wont be interrupted as much, students will remain at school more (instead of being suspended), and academic achievement should increase because of the aforementioned.
Thanks a lot
I have taught 40 years and have implemented most of these techniques. Using them is the best way to survive and thrive in a classroom.
I found number 54: ignore, the most effective for a particular autistic child who was very violent during his meltdowns. Realised it was termed by psychologist as giving time and space. Noticed that a teacher who adopted this strategy did not have any meltdowns in his class. When I started adopting this strategy, there were no more meltdowns during my lessons. It can be very trying though.
I have implemented some of these techniques.Using them is the best way to survive in a classroom.