The idea of self-regulation for kids and teens is well known; this is the ability to manage our own thoughts, feelings, and actions. We use self-regulation skills when we calm down when we feel upset or overwhelmed. We also use self-regulation when we start a chore, even if we don’t feel like it in the moment.
Strong self-regulation skills help kids and teens make the best choices. Of course, kids and teens don’t come pre-programmed with the ability to self-regulate. This is where co-regulation comes into play. Just like reading a book or solving a math equation, self-regulation is a skill that must be taught, practiced, and built over time.
What is Co-Regulation?
Co-regulation is the process of an adult using strategies such as modeling and coaching to sooth and comfort a child during a stressful situation. In the simplest of terms, co-regulation is sharing our calm with kids and teens to help them feel calm too. Once kids and teens are calm, they can make better choices on their own.
Have you ever felt upset and gotten a hug or even just reassuring words from someone you care about? This is co-regulation in action. Again, it’s a way that we share our calm with others, helping them feel calm too.
Here are a few examples to illustrate what co-regulation might look like in action with kids and teens:
A 3rd grade student gets upset during recess when a friend doesn’t want to play with them. She sits on a bench and starts uncontrollably crying. A paraprofessional at recess duty sits next to the child. She calmly says, “I’m here for you. When I’m upset, I try taking my slow deep breaths.” Then, the paraprofessional models the breathing. After a few breaths, the child joins in.
An 8th grader walks into his resource room, sits down, and puts his head on the work table. “Leave me alone! I hate math class!” he says when he sees his teacher. After helping other kids get started, the teacher comes to the table and starts doodling on a blank sheet of paper with colored pencils. She leaves a blank sheet out for the student to join in and color too. The student picks a colored pencil and begins drawing. After a few minutes, the student starts to open up about what happened in math class that made him feel so upset. He and the teacher begin problem-solving together.
In both of these situations, the students started off upset and frustrated. They struggled with regulating their feelings on their own, but were better equipped to handle the challenging situations with a little boost from an adult. This is co-regulation in action.
Why is Co-Regulation Important?
Every educator and parent wants their kids to be able to self-regulate on their own. We teach and practice coping strategies, integrate self-regulation activities, use think alouds, and provide reminders. But when it comes to challenging situations, there are times when kids and teens just cannot access those skills on their own. Kids and teens might know and understand these skills, but might feel so overwhelmed that they can’t calm down independently just yet.
This is the power of co-regulation. As adults, we can use co-regulation to help model, encourage, and coach how to regulate our feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. Think of this as another way to practice self-regulation skills, with just a little more support.
In turn, co-regulation is the bridge that helps kids build and strengthen their own self-regulation skills in challenging times. This is when they are getting real-life practice to calm down, even at times when they feel the most upset, angry, sad, or overwhelmed.
This ultimately can help reduce behavioral challenges, improve relationships, build confidence, and encourage learners to be more independent when working through their problems.
Understanding the Brain
To delve a bit further, it’s important to understand how the brain works when we are stressed, upset, or overwhelmed. Just a note that this description is simplified, especially given how complex the brain is, but it helps convey the importance of how our brain works in times of stress.
Let’s begin by identifying two different parts of the brain: the limbic system and the prefrontal cortex.
The limbic system is the emotional processing part of our brain. This is the area that helps us react quickly to threats and stressful situations. The prefrontal cortex is our thinking brain. This area helps us plan and problem-solve in well-thought out ways.
In kids and teens, the limbic system develops more rapidly than the prefrontal cortex. This means that in stressful situations, kids and teens are more likely to react impulsively with emotions, rather than pause and think the scenario through. Of course, their brains are still growing and developing! Again, co-regulation helps bridge that gap, providing some extra support to growing minds who aren’t fully able to regulate on their own just yet.
Foundations of Co-Regulation
Co-regulation is a simple process, but works best when foundational elements are in place, such a a strong relationship and previous knowledge of coping strategies to perform together. Ultimately, these help set the stage for success.
Build a strong relationship with the child.
Relationships are the foundation for everything else. Adults can make the biggest difference with co-regulation strategies once they have a solid foundation with the child or teen. It’s important that kids feel safe, supported, and cared for.
To continually work on strengthening relationships, use this list of 100+ relationship-building questions. Not only can help strengthen your relationship, but they can integrate other SEL skills too.
Create an emotionally safe environment.
Kids and teens need spaces where they can feel comfortable sharing their emotions. Use activities like morning meeting and daily reflection time to build a positive community of learners; this should be a place where every voice matters, and it’s okay to have a tough day sometimes.
Teach and practice coping strategies on a regular basis.
In order for students to use coping strategies on their own, it’s important that they practice them when they are calm. This means taking time out to practice calming strategies together long before a stressful situation occurs. The good news is that there are countless coping strategies you can practice with kids and teens. Here are a few favorites to get started with:
- Mindful breathing – Practice slow and mindful breathing together. Add in fun and engaging breathing exercises to make them memorable. A few of my favorites are “Cool Off the Pizza” and “4-7-8 Breathing”.
- Positive affirmations – Read and say self-talk phrases together. These might include statements like, “I can do this,” and “I am strong.” Use this list of 100+ positive self-talk phrases to help kids choose the ones they like the best.
- Journal writing – Practice writing in a journal. You can write about your feelings and what you’re going through at the moment. You can also try writing a gratitude list to show what you’re thankful for in the moment.
Read more about coping strategies that every child and teen should know.
Use this free list of coping strategies to give some ideas on what activities to try.
Co-Regulating with Kids and Teens
Co-regulation might look slightly different in different settings and with different ages, but the overall idea is to stay calm in times of stress, use supportive calming words, and model coping strategies right alongside the child or teen.
Stay calm in times of stress.
Kids and teens will match our attitude and energy levels. This is why it’s important for us, as adults, to stay calm and collected in times of stress. This isn’t always easy. One of the first steps to staying calm is to remind yourself, “This child isn’t giving me a tough time; they’re having a tough time.”
Just like with kids, it’s important for adults to use our calm-down strategies too. Deep breathing and positive affirmations are two extremely helpful techniques to use in the moment.
Finally, it helps to remember that when we are calm, it helps kids and teens feel more calm too. We need to mirror what behaviors we want to see.
Be present.
So many times, kids and teens don’t actually need us to solve their problems; they just need us there for them. Get down to the child’s level when you talk with them, or just sit next to them. Our presence is a comfort for struggling kids and teens, letting them know that we care and we’re there when they need us.
Use supportive words.
A few supportive and caring words can help provide extra encouragement in tough times. Some example phrases might include:
- I’m here for you.
- You can talk to me when you’re ready.
- I’m here. You don’t have to talk, but I’m here if you need me.
- You’re safe.
Limit the language.
While it’s clear that supportive words can be helpful, it’s also important to limit the language and words we use. When kids and teens are overwhelmed, talking too much to them may actually add to their frustration. With this, use supportive words, but choose them wisely. Avoid the impulse to want to talk and problem-solve with them right away; building calm together first is the most important component.
Sometimes, just silence is okay too.
Model healthy coping strategies right alongside the child.
Consider favorite coping strategies for the child or teen. Then, try using one of those strategies nearby the learner. This both models the coping strategy you hope for the student to use, as well as provides supportive encouragement.
Some simple and meaningful coping strategies to try include reading, deep breathing, drawing, listening to music, stretching, positive self-talk, and journal writing.
Each child and teen is different, so it is especially helpful if you know which strategies may work best for them.
This might look different in different scenarios:
- “Do you want to take a walk with me? I need to deliver something to Mrs. V.” After a few minutes, when you notice the student is more calm, you ask them what the problem they were dealing with was.
- “I’m going to take a few deep breaths. Feel free to join me if you want.” Practice taking some deep breaths.
- Without speaking, sitting next to a student with their head down. Reading or coloring alongside them, silently giving them the option to do the same.
Keep this free coping strategies poster visible as reminders for which strategies you can use in tough moments.
When one of your kids or teens is having a tough moment, give co-regulation a try. It’s truly one of the best ways to share your calm with those around you. It sure is a special gift to give.
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